“Grief”.
The dictionary definition means; intense sorrow causes by somebody’s death. We are told that the way to grieve is to cry, and cry some more. To lock yourself indoors all day, watching Netflix and eating chocolate. Don’t get me wrong I did that, but for me that wasn’t the way to grieve.
Alice’s battle really changed the way I look and I deal with life.
From the age of fifteen I badly struggled with my mental health. In my eyes I wasn’t worth anything and my voices in my mind highly over powered my ability to make constructive and clear decisions. Me in my teenage self was very vulnerable to negative comments. I did get them a lot, and I managed to block most of them out but some do stick with you for a long time. Being fifteen and finding out your younger sister has cancer is difficult. You get sucked into this world of hospital lingo, late nights and empty homes. You feel very alone.
My family is my world, not a day goes past where I am not thankful for them, or grateful for the them. But being a young teen and coming home to an empty house, is hard. As the weeks went by I spiralled into a state of unhappiness. I don’t think you acknowledge how hard you are hurting until it is too late. Or in my case maybe I did but I choose to ignore it. Being a burden was my worst nightmare. My problems were defiantly nothing in comparison to other problems. So if I kept quiet no one would know. It may blow over. And everything would be fine.
But I was wrong. My outlet for my anger turned into a self-punishment habits. At the time It helped me to relieve pain and suffering. At the time I felt like it was the only thing that could help; and that is where now I know that was wrong. At the time of my battles with this I was clueless about how it would affect me for the rest of my life. It meant in the summer I would wear long sleeve tops instead of short. And swimming was just a challenge. It made my teen years very different. For over a year I hide this from my family and my friends. I hate confrontation. I hated talking. I hated admitting. But I wrote a letter to mum one night. I was devastated as to where I had let my mind fall too. And I wanted to get better and I wanted to be bekah again.
I went to therapy, to the GP. I saw a school councillor and spoke to close family friends. For me that closed the door. I had healed the patch. Over the years I have never fully accepted my struggles in the past. I was embarrassed and ashamed. But from talking to someone who has helped me accept my past, and has help to teach me how to move on from it I am a big believer to talk about how you are feeling. I am 20, I still have girl dramas, I have had some awful relationships but I have learnt how to deal with these.
Yes, I may have slipped up over the years, but I have learnt how to make right decisions.
Talking makes you feel heard. It reminds you that you aren’t alone. There is someone out there who can help, who can listen and more importantly who loves you.
Confidence is something that may affect everyone. Never two years ago would I sit here and talk to you about my mental health. But it is these choices that have affected my life for the ongoing future. I won’t let myself get down, I won’t allow myself to think about habits I use to do as I know that I will carry the scars and the memories forever and it isn’t a burden I have space for anymore. But the reason I am talking is because losing Alice has taught me to fight your battles, fix your cracks and live life.
Lets’ channel back.
When I had to grieve Alice, I was going to do it in my way.
Did I cry and eat ice cream when Alice died, yes. But did I want to wallow in self-pity – NO!
For me grief was about remembering her. For me, I couldn’t afford to lose myself. I couldn’t go back into that dark place and I did all I could to make sure I didn’t. exercise, hobbies, work and friends.
Friends are difficult, that’s a story for another day, but they will cry with you, eat chocolate with you and laugh with you. I surround myself with people who enrich my life and I hope that I enrich theirs.
Staying in a positive mind set when the worst thing in the world happens to you is hard. But don’t throw away the life you have built to the voices in your head that want you to be sad, and want you to be down.
Over the past two years I have learnt heaps about myself. I love writing, I love sharing my life goals and experiences with others as you never know who you will help. And most of all I love me time. I love things that help make me happy, and help enrich MY life.
So don’t let anyone tell you how to grieve, how to love or how to be happy. You make mistakes and you learn from them. I’m not proud of my mistakes, but they have taught me how to be strong. I regret not asking for help sooner and not accepting. My advice for you is to talk. Find someone you connect with and lay it all out. It is scary at first but trust me it helps!
Being a teenager is hard, but being an adult is just as challenging. I focus on my career, my family and my friends.
What is important to you?
What makes you happy?
Please don’t suffer in silence, don’t let a definition or a book tell you who to be. Mould yourself to who you want to be. But do it in a positive way!
Bekah x
(p.s I am new to all of this blogging, what do you want to read/hear about. also feel free to comment and subscribe below!).
