It is crazy to think that ‘every step you take and every move you make’ (cheesy I know) are all contributing factors to who you are and how you were made. From a young age I have been broken, built remoulded and fixed. But truthfully, I wouldn’t change any of it as it has made me the person I am today. Unfortunately, not everyone gets to live long enough to create their full legacy and create their story. But they do say the legacy you leave behind will be remembered for ever.
Losing a sister at such a young age leaves you battling with emotions you wish no one to feel. It is a constant ongoing of battle of, ‘am I aloud to be happy?’, ‘am I okay to move forward’.
A massive feeling faced when I found out Alice was going to die was making a conscious effort to keep her alive in our memories. But not just in our memories in our everyday life. It is evident that she will never be at my wedding (I mean I have to find a husband first), or be an aunty to my children. She won’t be there to celebrate big birthdays and occasions, and I won’t see her face every day. Truly that scared me. But I will make it my mission for her legacy to live on in me.
When you turn a page in a book, you don’t forget what you have just read. It’s the words on that page which make you understand the next one. And its every chapter of that book that makes the story. If you skip a chapter the ending won make sense, and the book won’t be the same book you first started reading. And that’s the compass that I vow to live my life by. Without Alice I certainly wouldn’t be the Rebekah I am today. I walk around every day with her fingerprint around her neck. Most people take no notice, but to the one person that asks it gives me an opportunity to spread her story and her heroicness, it keeps her close.
Anyone that gets close enough to know me, I will make them feel like they knew Alice, and that she was part of their life. I will share her jokes, her love for daisies (thats why I now Love daises - they remind me of her!) and share her stories. It is likely that my future husband will not have met Alice. And that hurts. But I will sure do my best to make her known in anyone who becomes important to me.
A close friend of mine has solidified that my kids will know Alice. She told me that she talks to her kids about their aunty, and they know who she was and where she is now – and that fills me with peace. Even though she won’t be with us they will still be able to say they had a cool Aunt Alice and a brave one. I want my children to be able to ask me questions about her, her personality and who she was.
For me it is always worrying to see what the future holds, but I have learnt to take thinks day by day and step by step. Not everything pans out right, but everything happens for a reason. And the reason I keep fighting through life, and want to make it the best I can be is for her.
When a sibling dies its strange. That person who you would journey through life with is gone. I am extremely lucky to have a beauty of a sister to keep journeying with together and keep jumping hurdles with. However, we were supposed to do it as a three. (We were most certainly the three musketeers!).
And I feel that it is important to tell her story as well as my story. I strongly believe that children battling cancer are heroes. If I can tell her story, it may open the eyes of someone who can tell theirs. Cancer is a weird, scary and unpredictable journey. Sometimes the ending is good and sometimes bad. But just because a loved one has gone, doesn’t mean their journey ends.
Her journey has changed my journey, with ups and downs and rights and wrongs. I have learn a lot about myself, the people I surround myself with and my family. And I am proud I have come out of it stronger.
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Bekah x
